Since I was a toddler, I "cared" for a slew of babies. I began to babysit at the young age of 8 years old. I filled my life with babysitting and nannying jobs as a teenager. I declared my major in college as elementary education. My dream job was never to be a pilot, the president, an astronaut or anything else a young child wants to be, I have always had the innate desire to be a stay at home mother. Due to my varying health challenges that have arisen over the last few years, I had the feeling that getting pregnant would not come easily. In the beginning of 2016, Mike and I unexpectedly felt impressed to start trying to conceive. This seemed completely absurd to us. I was in the thick of my junior year in college, and he was nowhere near graduating. We had always thought we would start trying once I had my degree. But the impression came and there was no denying it, so we stopped birth control.
After 6 consecutive months of trying without conceiving I went in to see my OB and she ran some tests. The results, although not a surprise, were devastating to hear. I indeed was unable to conceive naturally. My doctor was very real with us explaining that some couples get pregnant quickly on fertility medication while most couples need a lot more time, even years, experimenting with a slew of medications and treatments. She even mentioned that IVF was a very expensive procedure and it may be in our best interest to begin saving money, just in case. This conversation and reality crushed me. I literally could feel my heart break as I realized it could be years before Mike and I had the privilege of becoming parents. I wanted nothing more than to be a mommy. School could wait. A career could wait. But I was not sure that I could wait. This time was full of prayers by us and our families. These prayers no doubt strengthened us, but there were many private moments of tears and sadness as I thought about the road still ahead. There is something about infertility that makes you feel the opposite of feminine, I blamed myself for things out of my control. These months were difficult for me as a woman.
In October, after 12 cycles of trying to conceive naturally my OB started us on our first round of clomid. She warned me not to get my hopes up, but assured us it would happen eventually. I went in on day 21 to get my progesterone tested, this test was to see if I had ovulated in my cycle. My results came back at an 11, with medication I should have been at 15. I asked the nurse what the chances were that we were pregnant with these results- she explained that the medicine had worked and my body had responded, but that the results were very low. She said she couldn't say for sure, but the chances were under ten percent that we were pregnant. I was grateful that my body responded, but sad it hadn't been more successful. I forced myself to stay positive, the fact that my body responded truly was a miracle and it was good news! I knew that we would get pregnant when the timing was right. We waited for the next cycle to try again. But it never came.
On November 7, 2016, after being more than a week late, I took a pregnancy test. I had spent the weekend throwing up and experiencing other early pregnancy symptoms, but I dismissed the signs because everything said there was no way we could already be pregnant, especially my blood test. Mike forced me to take one because of all of the symptoms I was experiencing, but I was convinced that there was no way we were expecting. I looked down and saw a positive and thought I had lost my mind. I stared for a long time double checking I was reading it right, and then fell to my knees in tears.
We know we are some of the lucky ones. It is uncommon to have success with the first prescription. We know that we may not be as lucky as we try to expand our family in the future, but we are so grateful for our little miracle. This experience has been so eye opening to me for those patient, wonderful, capable women who would make great mothers and can't yet have a baby. My heart hurts for them. We only felt a tiny sliver of what some people go through for years and I cannot imagine what that must be like.
I have learned so much over the last year and I am grateful for the trial and blessings we saw then
and now. I have learned to never, under any circumstance, ask a couple when they are going to start a family- because you never know what is going on. I have also learned that if someone does talk to you about infertility they just need someone to listen to them, support them, and pray for them. You can't solve their problem. I have so much respect for those couples who struggle with infertility and my prayers go to them as they struggle. I am brought to tears daily for our little miracle. We are so blessed.
Lots of love,
Brookeydee
